A Real Update For Once

[NSFlazyasspiecesofshitwhohaveshortattentionspans]

I don't need to state that it's been a long fucking time since my last, genuine LJ entry that didn't involve plenty of self-gratuitous picture sharing or site-whoring, but I will anyway. It's been a long fucking time since my last, genuine LJ entry that didn't involve plenty of self-gratuitous picture sharing or site-whoring.

In such a massive span of time, plenty has happened. My circle of friends has since expanded to an incredible size, consisting of people that I would have been dearly sorry to miss out on meeting. I have fallen out of love. I have spent less time gaming and more time outside, hanging out in all manner of locales, from bars to clubs to volleyball courts to parks to my friends' apartments. I have finally made certain career moves that I have been planning to make for some now, only lacked the courage and conviction to carry out before. I have lost weight. I have fully embraced who I am, flaws and all, and accepted that at the end of the day, I am not a terrible person.

The friends I have now, I would never trade in. We grew so close so quickly that it's hard to believe I've only known them for 5 short months at most. I imagine it's all part of the "expat package," part of the life you experience when you go somewhere new, where you do not fit in with the majority culture, where you don't necessarily speak the local language. You naturally migrate toward and get close to the people who are like you, and, because they are so few in number, you latch on quickly to the people who don't immediately piss you off and have a hard time letting go.

Last week I had a bit of a crisis when I realized that, by this November, most of my closest friends will be gone. Yes, I know some will still be here (see Chuck? I totally just referenced you), but many won't be. Or, rather, there's a good chance they may no longer be here. While I am content to stay in Shanghai just so I can stop moving around for once, I know that not everyone is going to stay just because of the friendships they've made. Many of them have goals and aspirations of their own, and often times breaking (or at least weakening) certain bonds is necessary.

For my part, I've been dealing with all this "bond-breaking" all my life. Between my moving around and my friends also leaving because they lived similar lifestyles, I never really had a friend to call my closest or my best. No one really knew or understood me right down to the core, even my past boyfriends. In this particular group of friends, however, I have found a few individuals who know exactly what I have gone through, having experienced it themselves, and I am not willing to let them go so easily, even though I know that we will eventually part ways. Either I will move on, or they will. It is inevitable. It is part of the "expat package."

I have gone from the hardcore gamer I was in college to the casual gamer when I first came out here to start working to the occasional gamer. I no longer spend every day logged into Guild Wars, I no longer spend hours on end in Civ 4, I no longer slice and dice warlords, queens, and titans in my manta to gain my world UT2004 rank of #3 (damn you Midget and Nighteye!). Instead I find myself playing the old games, the games I really enjoyed when I was younger. Granted, I have suffered through this phase before and it will likely pass, but it's nice to play the games I grew up with, rather than trying to keep to the up-to-date, newer franchises that will rape both my wallet and my video card.

I go home after work and, while eating, I will either catch up on the latest episode of something that I have recently missed or log onto an instant messenger or fire up Planescape: Torment/Full Throttle/Grim Fandango (dammit Romain hurry up and let me borrow Fallout 2 already). I play/watch for about an hour, read if there's still time, then usually I'm out the door once more. This is if I don't workout or meet friends for dinner, mind you. My social calendar is full 6 days out of the week and, admittedly, I do occasionally miss the days where I just sit at home and dick around doing nothing particularly productive, but the sweet thing is that I can always just stay in if that's the case, and my friends will understand.

Volleyball is yet again a part of my life, though this time less about the importance of teamwork and more about just meeting new people and playing a game that I have always loved. After a month's worth of Saturday-afternoon-three-hour sessions, I have my old serve back. I'd forgotten how much I had really missed people saying, "Shit, it's Viv, back the fuck up she serves like a cannon." I mean, this comes from dudes who are well past the 6'4" mark. Feels good. Too bad I still can't jump for shit, hahaha.

I recently bought my very first two-piece swimsuit. I never owned one until now because when I think "beach" or "swimming pool," I don't think "sand" or "sun." My 13 years of competitive swimming has me thinking: "WATER." Water, Helen. WA-TERRRRR. Ergo, if I want to swim in that water, the best way to go about that is to wear a goddamn one-piece swimsuit. Plus, my insecurities about my body do not help. Anyway… I haven't worn this bikini out to a pool yet, but I have a feeling that if I do, I will spend a maximum of ten seconds out of the pool and the rest of the time in the water, either hiding my body or showing off my awesome speed underwater.

I belong in the goddamn water, dammit. Why do you fucks think I'm pyrophobic, eh? Because the water keeps me safe, yes it does. I like the rain, I like the ocean, I like everything about water. Damn all you pyromaniacs. Damn you all.

We'll see how that first trip to the pool goes. I will admit: I am quite nervous. My scars are better but they still haven't healed, and I'm more concerned about them than any other flaw I see on my body.

The good thing about that is that I've lost a lot of weight. I gained some back from January to March but now that I have a regular workout regiment and regular volleyball, I am not only losing weight, I'm getting quite fit. I like it and I look good. Too bad the scars won't go away…I think I will be insecure about those until something else crops up that I choose to fixate myself on.

As for my career, well, I have been to only one interview, but it went so well that there's a good chance I'll get the job…and if I don't, fuck it, my resume looks awesome and the interview gave me the confidence to keep right on looking. Basically though this will come down to how much they choose to pay me, heehee. Many, many thanks go out to Michelle for just handing over my contact info, as it basically forced me to put myself out there, and it paid off. I needed that push. Thank you.

That boost in confidence, coupled with a hot(ter) body and a full-on acceptance of the fact that even if I'm not gaming 24/7 I am still a huge nerd (*cough*UNIFIED*cough*) have basically had me sitting very comfortably with myself. A couple of bouts with boy drama, while saddening at the time, have pretty much left me unscathed and confident enough to move on and just be myself and do my thing. I like this feeling. It's new to me. I am no longer afraid of walking through a door that will close itself behind me, because I know that no matter what's in the room I just entered, I will be fine.

I no longer hear my parents' voices in my head, I no longer care about impressing anyone but my damned self, and that, my friends, is a wonderful feeling. For those of you who knew me more than 6 months ago, you know how big this is for me.

Thank you to every single person who's helped me get to this point. All of you know who you are.

On a sadder note, though, much love goes out to Matt. I love you kid, I really do. You are a big part of my life and I will never, ever forget you. I have so much respect for you, for the kind of person you are. There are so many people twice, thrice your age who couldn't hope to be half the man you already are. Stay strong, and I know you will, no matter what.

I kinda have to cut this short right here. There is still a lot to say, but I imagine there's plenty of time for me to get to it.

~ Viv