Why I'm Awesome (Part 26 of 7412): YOU

Those of you to whom I've spoken recently are very likely aware about my rather precarious position at present, and by aware, I mean you know that I have made vague and unspecific references to such happenings as of late. Those of you who know me well also likely know that me being vague and unspecific is wildly unusual, and you'd be right.

Now, I believe in talking, in communicating openly, with friends, significant others, and family. I believe that if people knew what was going on in my life, they would understand certain aspects of my behavior, the change in my priorities, and how to accommodate me. It was a courtesy, if you will, and one that is of course applicable were our positions reversed. I appreciate knowing what's going on much more than I would appreciate avoidance and silence.

I have failed woefully at holding up this ideal.

Over the past two weeks I have restricted my deeply personal communications to a very obvious target, and I have made the excuse that since I have him, I shouldn't have to burden my friends with the same tired stories about my job, about my money, about any number of things that have been going wrong lately. I would not bring my friends down, so to speak, in terms of mood or personal high.

I reprimand my friends when they shut themselves away from me for fear of ruining a good mood. I now reprimand myself for the same.

I feel like I have insulted my friends and their integrity deeply, by somehow implying that they are not worthy of supporting me, by somehow implying that they cannot help me, by somehow implying that I thought they didn't care about me. While I may have wanted to keep my proverbial shit as far away from everyone else's imaginary fans as much as possible, the end result is that I appear to not want to deal with anyone, or that I am wallowing in self-pity.

I always want to deal with everyone, and I do not know how to wallow in much of anything.

So, to the question many have asked, this is what's been up.

My friends are the most important thing in the world to me, and it is heartbreaking that we are coming to a point where we are soon to part ways. In fact, it is because the majority of you are leaving Shanghai next year that I have chosen to time my departure around a similar period. I've already lost a lot of you, at least physically, and I don't know if I can handle it when the rest of you go. Understand that while I am excited to be laying down the groundwork to move on to another part of my life, I do it with a deep-seated wish that we could've all somehow managed to meet in a more stable city at a more stable part of our respective lives.

It is because I so greatly fear this eventual and inevitable parting of ways that I appear to have distanced myself from many of you, that I have latched on so tightly to the person who's located at my next destination, that I have spent increasing amounts of time building connections via the internet. It sounds counterintuitive, I know, but this has, historically, been how I have always dealt with moving away and moving on. Call it a defense mechanism born of the Third Culture Kid lifestyle.

But I guess that this time, I've realized how poor, childish, and perhaps downright stupid such a defense mechanism is. So I am resolving to change that.

I have also outgrown Shanghai, so to speak. This place is wonderful as a stepping stone, but as Alicat mentioned back in the day, "it's really just Never Never Land." We all know it. We all know our lives are at pause here. We all know it taxes our patience, bit by bit, the longer we stay here. Whether socially, personally, or even professionally, this place is one of the temporary for people like us. It's time to move on.

The final nail in the coffin of my self-ostracizing is the fact that, yes, in fact, my job is sitting on an increasingly uncertain precipice. At a time where I am craving stability, where the need for a stable environment drives my plans to relocate, the idea that I may or may not have a job by the end of this month is nerve-wracking. It would be easier to bear if I knew yes or no either way, but to not know is chipping away at an otherwise chipper personality. (The fact that I also heartily dislike certain things that have been happening at work doesn't much help, either, but that's another story for another time.) As few people want to talk about work when we're out hanging out, having all this on the forefront of my mind for the majority of my conscious hours is hardly ideal in a social situation.

Now, the most hysterical thing is that I am a very positive person. You may not see it when I'm bitching at a cab driver or an insulting waiter, but my attitude is one that chooses to focus on the things that I have rather than the things I don't. I despise defeatists in all their forms (which might make my current state of mind a highly hypocritical one, I'm not sure) and often choose instead to shake it off and do it right the next time, or shrug and smile at something that I do have to smile about.

There is no point, after all, in lamenting the bad things that have happened or may one day happen. You might as well focus on the things you have control over at present and do the best you can with it. Because of this mindset, I'm pretty much always happy about something.

Okay, you say to yourself even as you wonder how you made it this far down the page, she says she's going to fix it. What the fuck is she going to do to fix it?

The truth is that I've been doing it; I have been doing what it takes to bring me into a more positive state of mind, and that's helping people in any way that I can. It was enough for a while as I advised and counseled through the digital walls of the internet, but now I also need something more hands-on, something more tangible. It's a selfish, self-therapeutic thing, I admit, but the idea that it will also do some good for somebody out there other than me makes it that much more powerful.

I want to make the effort to spend more time with my friends, to be more social, because the clock's ticking and, well, now that I have a deadline, my time with those of you in Shanghai is running out. You guys, the ones both still here and the ones who have since moved on, were my first friends in a part of my life where my family wasn't physically present to be my safety net, where we weren't all enveloped by the giant charade of independence known as college. That shaped me, significantly, and I am always grateful that I could be shaped by people of your very high caliber.

As for those I know strictly through the internet, that's where we built our friendship and so our primary mode of contact remains untouched no matter where I go, and it's perhaps for that reason that I value your friendship just as much I do those friends I have nearby.

And to those that I've already left behind in too many places around the world, I still remember pretty much all of you and the impact you also had on me, and I'm pretty sure I always will.

I love you all very much.